Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
