2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
