just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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