Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
His nipple licking is glorious
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