I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
