I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
