I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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