Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
