i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
