Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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