I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
