btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
