you guys were way drunker than both of me
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
