My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
