You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
