Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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