Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I think I just sharted jello shots
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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