I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
