That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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