i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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