You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
