she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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