i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
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Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
3pm strippers are depressing
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
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I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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