I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
