i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
