she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
In America we eat man semen.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
