Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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