So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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