I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
