I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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