I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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