I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
