I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
