history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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