So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
how drunk are you?
Several
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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