I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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