i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
