How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
