She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
