Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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