Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
