seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
