i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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