he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
