I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
