Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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