so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
