I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
