just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
