Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
