i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
