look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
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We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
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All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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