Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
