Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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