he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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