woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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