Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
