She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
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I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
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You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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