so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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