How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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