If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
