Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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