Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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