I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
