Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
