Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
