I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It all started with a game of naked twister.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
