it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Randomize
