My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
